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Category Archives: Columns

Dead parents and the kids they leave behind

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Here’s the thing about the People With Dead Parents club: If you’re not part of it, you don’t get it and you don’t get to speculate on it.

OpenFileTo ran an op-ed this weekend about Ryan Russell, the Toronto police officer tragically killed 2 weeks ago called No More Heroes.  It was similar to John Lorinc’s piece on Spacing from a few days before — a piece to counter the overwhelming mainstream media reaction to the death. But I have to admit I didn’t really read the entirety of the Heroes piece.  I got stuck on this line:

It’s true, those pictures of Russell’s two-year-old son, Nolan, are arresting. But how is anyone helped by focusing in pornographic detail on the tragedy of a boy so young he’ll soon forget knowing the father he lost?

What really struck me was the last part: “a boy so young he’ll soon forget knowing the father he lost.” I lost all interest in the argument at hand and only thought of that line.

I have no doubt that the line was written with the best intentions, maybe even compassion.  From the outside, it seems like it may even be a blessing for that child to be so young.  He won’t have a father, but at least he doesn’t really understand what’s going on right now.

But it’s so much worse than that.  On top of  losing a father,  his tragedy is that he won’t remember his father and people will remind him of that for his entire life.

I can’t tell you how I reacted when my mum died just after my third birthday.  I don’t remember feeling traumatized. I have no idea if I even knew what was going on.  But I can tell you that I’ve felt a void my entire life.  People have always said to me “It’s so sad you were so young. You probably don’t even remember your mother.” And all I can say is “you’re right”.  Because I don’t remember my mother.

All I know of her has been told through other people.  I’ve never been sure if what I know of myself has anything to do with her.  Am I like her? Would I have turned out differently is she were alive? Would I like that person?

I’ve always felt like I missed something, but I’ve never been able to put my finger on it.  How could I?  I don’t remember.

I have a teddy bear that my mother arranged for me to have the Christmas after she died.  I hold on to it.  I protect it.

The memories I do have – all three of them – are only snapshots.  Two are of her death, and the other may really just be a memory of a photograph.  When I was visiting my dad in the fall, he, my brother and I went to visit her grave. At some point I shared my memories and for a second my dad didn’t know what I was talking about. In that moment my heart raced, I felt sick. If this memory isn’t real, then I have nothing.

We sorted it out.  It probably was real.  And so I will continue to hold on to those 3 thoughts, and my old, matted brown bear because that’s what I’ve got.

As for Nolan Russell, Mike Smith is right.  Let’s not take on his tragedy as if it were our own. But let’s not dismiss it either.  He’s two years old, but his life is forever changed.  Now he is part of the club.

Christina Hendricks takes it off.

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The weight, that is. Well maybe. She might be thinking of it. Or something.christina-hendricks-london-fog1

Which leads me to ask: Can we please stop talking about Christina Hendrick’s weight? When I google “Christina Hendricks weight” I get 266,000 results. It sounds like we need to change the conversation.

To what?

Well, for one, who made Hendricks the poster child for plus size women in Hollywood?  She certainly didn’t.  In fact, she’s said numerous times that she doesn’t like when people talk about her weight because it makes her self-conscious. So maybe we should talk about our obsession with women’s bodies as their entire value? Or perhaps we need to talk about our need to fetishize women who are different, while at the same time tearing them down?

And let’s stop pretending that we’re actually OK with “real” looking women in Hollywood (ignoring that Hendricks is far from the average “real” person). If we were, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

I get that we like to live vicariously through women like Hendricks: “If she’s OK with her body, then maybe I can be too.” But self-hate comes from within. It sure is nice to see healthy women on TV, but that’s not a solution.

Now someone out there is surely screaming “I don’t hate my body, you jerk! I just like that Hendricks is good role model.”

Great. But instead, let her be a role model for controlling her own body not for maintaining an idealized weight.  Because bullying a woman into maintaining a plus size so she can be your role model is just as bad as bullying her into being skinny.

 

A Letter to Jan Wong

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Re: “Get off the Road” by Jan Wong (September 2010)

Share the Road Sign by Hey Paul on flickr

Who decided that roads were only for fast-moving cars? Roads are connections between people and neighbourhoods. They’re public spaces.

It’s only fitting that roads be used for cultural events, fundraisers, or street parties – even if it slows people down. Engaging with each other in the streets fosters community.

Street festivals also bring in revenue and showcase the city to tourists. Pride week is estimated to bring in $100 million to the local economy. Caribana infuses more than $400 million into Ontario.

Supporting that doesn’t make me meek, or a caricature of a Canadian. It makes me proud that I love my city enough to want people to experience it, not drive right through.

Get over yourself, Jan. Take the subway, ride a bike, walk, or simply stay home and weed your own lawn. But don’t tell me that only drivers have a right to use our city.

This letter appeared in the November 2010 issue of Toronto Life Magazine.

Boobs for everyone!

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This is a blog about breastfeeding by someone without children.  It’s also a blog by someone who is clearly a judgmental bitch.  And yet, even with those admissions, I can’t bring myself to walk around accusing women of hurting their babies because they, for whatever reason, choose formula.

Some moms out there are infuriated that Old Navy has a shirt promoting (I guess?) formula.  The Globe and Mail trumps it up as a triumph for mommy-bloggers (which assumes that “mommy-bloggers” are just a bunch of women sitting in a room sharing a single thought – but that’s a different issue). I think it’s nonsense.

We’re not talking about feeding your child rat poison. We’re not talking about hitting, or abusing children.  We’re not even talking about smoking while pregnant like some crazy commenter suggested. We’re talking about formula.

It’s food.  It doesn’t have all the same benefits of breast milk, (it arguably has different ones) but it provides nutrition to children who need it.  Why they need it that way is none of your business!

The Nestle Scandal is often touted as an example of why formula is bad.  But formula wasn’t necessarily bad. Bad water, poverty, and exploitation of women was bad.

I was breastfed until I was two and a half or so – and it probably would have been longer had my mother not gotten sick.  That was her choice.  It certainly wasn’t a nutritional necessity.  I can’t for the life of me understand why one would want a child attached to her breast for 3 years, but hey, whatever works.

I happen to believe the doctors who say breastfeeding is good.  But that doesn’t mean that anything but breastfeeding is murder.

The minute women get pregnant our society treats them as commodities of procreation rather than human beings.  The whole point of feminism is that women should have choice, and value beyond their organs.

One of my favourite feminists, May Friedman, wrote this article (PDF) about her thoughts on breastfeeding.  It’s enlightening and it’s better than anything I can write.

Think what you want. Get angry even.  But keep it to yourself.  Mothers have a hard enough time as it is.

Bullies on the Interactive Playground

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http://www.flickr.com/photos/43993720@N02/4336771398/

By Oversocialized on Flickr

Facebook and I had a deal.  I agreed to give them a basic amount of my information, use their site regularly to increase site traffic (and therefore their potential for ad revenue), and promote the site to my friends.  In exchange, Facebook agreed to let me use their servers to post my vacation photos, interact with friends and control my privacy settings.

Without my consent, Facebook broke the deal.

When it comes to reactions about Facebook’s lax privacy concerns, there appear to be two camps.  On one side, people say that Facebook owes its users the degree of privacy they were promised when they signed up.  The other side says that Facebook is a free site and therefore isn’t accountable to its users.  I believe the former, Steve Tuttle of Newsweek, among others, believes the latter.

In a May 27th post titled “Who Said Facebook Owes You Privacy?” Tuttle argues that Facebook is free and no one is forcing people to use it. And while he acknowledges that Facebook has changed privacy rules without consent, he basically says tough-luck to you:

[I]f Facebook guarantees one level of privacy and doesn’t hold up its end of the bargain, the company should be held accountable. By which I mean it could potentially pay a price if enough people get outraged and someone invents a new, improved Facebook that does a better job guaranteeing privacy. But I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Mr. Tuttle and I agree that Facebook is acting like a bully.  But my only options are to continue to be bullied or leave?  Those aren’t options.  No matter what, I get screwed.

Let’s face it: I’m probably not going to quit Facebook anytime soon.  I’ve started to delete as much personal information as I can, but I still use the site regularly.  Facebook has become essential to my social life – at least in so far as a technology can be essential.  No, I won’t die without Facebook, but I also won’t get to see new baby pictures or get invited to many events.  Not to mention keep my job since a big part of it is working with social media.

I know that this doesn’t make a lot of sense to people of older generations (I listened to a teenager yesterday exclaim in horror that my aunt’s cell phone didn’t have a colour screen), and I understand where Mr. Tuttle is coming from, but that doesn’t change the reality:  Social media is mainstream and it’s sticking around.

Mr. Tuttle makes good points about privacy though: The internet is not private – no matter what a corporation tells you – people are stupid, and things will be found.  But while the obvious solution is “don’t ever do anything stupid” (at least not in front of anyone with a camera), it doesn’t make sense in the real world.

People are dumb and the onus cannot be exclusively on internet users to protect themselves while we let corporations off the hook.

It’s clear that Facebook is behaving badly.  They monopolize social media which means they will continue to bully people into information-sharing submission.  The company has an unscrupulous CEO at the helm and has managed to insert itself into the daily lives of people of all ages.

As much as any company should be able to control their future, it can’t be at the expense of the customers it has relied on to make it profitable to begin with.  And even on the Internet, there ought to be an expectation that companies act as responsible corporate citizens.

So what does Facebook owe me? At the very least, they owe me the privacy levels I agreed to.  But a little respect would go a long way.

Some other Facebook Rants and Observations:

Who Needs Friends Like Facebook?

Facebook’s Eroding Privacy Policy: A Timeline

A Handy Facebook-to-English Translator

An Open Letter from Mark Zuckerberg

Facebook moves to fix privacy loophole after WSJ review

Facebook: personalization vs. privacy

Facebook’s Zuckerberg Answers Critics With New Privacy Controls

The Big Game, Zuckerberg and Overplaying your Hand

The Complexity of Dropping the Charges: Bikes, Bryant, and Tragedy

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This going to be extremely unpopular with some Toronto cyclists – particularly the ones who follow me on Twitter, but the decision to dismiss the charges in the Michael Bryant case don’t seem completely unreasonable to me.

But before I get death threats let me just say this: I don’t think what happened was OK.  No one ever deserves to die, and no one is above the law.

I’m not even sure how I feel about Bryant escaping without punishment.  But allegations of a “two-tiered” legal system, accusations of murder, and a call for cyclists to unite in protest to this ruling are unfair, to say the least.

BlogTo had a particularly thoughtful post about the topic.  But like my cycling pals on Twitter, author Derek Flack wrote about this as a cyclist’s issue.

This is not a cycling issue.

This is not the same as when driver’s don’t look and run cyclists off the road, or open their doors into traffic.  It is not the same as cars passing too closely and brushing bikers.  It is not the same as honking, harassing, and threatening cyclists.  The altercation between Bryant, and Shepherd – who happened to be on a bike – was about misdirected anger, poor judgment and violence.

By making this a issue for cyclists to unite behind, Darcy Allan Sheppard becomes a straw-man poster boy for the cause of cyclist rights.  But the altercation could easily have happened in a bar somewhere.  If Sheppard picked a fight (like the evidence suggests), and Bryant over-reacted (out of fear, anger, malice, I can’t say) and used an available weapon to fight, it would similar.  The road was merely the setting for the events.

I can’t know what really happened that day, so I have no choice but to interpret the information I have available to me. Something tragic happened and it only took 30 seconds.

Now I’m no legal expert, and I fully support a person’s right to challenge decisions that appear unfair, but I’ve read the decision and the only thing that is clear to me is that nothing is clear.

The media seems to have only picked up on the part of the decision about Shepherd’s past – as if that is the only thing the crown considered.  If you’d only read the first page of the decision, you might think the Crown acted unfairly.  But if you read on, the decisions says this:

Because there is an allegation in this case that Mr. Sheppard acted as the aggressor in the confrontation with Mr. Bryant, the law requires us to consider the prior conduct of the deceased. . . . No one “deserves” to have a criminal offense committed against him, regardless of his background or prior conduct.  The deceased’s propensity for aggressiveness or violence, however, is relevant to considering whether the accused was attacked by the deceased and to show the probability that the deceased was the aggressor in the altercation.

The Crown also looked at witness testimony (some of which was proven to be inaccurate when compared with forensic evidence), and video tapes.

Some people have suggested that the charges against Bryant were dismissed because of his former position as attorney-general.  I’m not naive enough to think that high-profile people don’t ever get special treatment.  But I’m also not naive enough to think that those same people weren’t convinced of that special treatment the second they discovered Bryant’s position.

Several people have told me that they were upset that Bryant didn’t at least go to trial – as some sort of proof that justice was carried out – but I’m not convinced.  After all, it wouldn’t be fair to Mr. Bryant to have a trial when it wasn’t warranted just to prove impartiality.  The proof of impartiality is applying the law to a high-profile defendant in the same way you would to anyone else.

Just by hearing so many perspectives on the case, I understand why the Crown felt they couldn’t make the case.

The law, according to the decision, states the following:

Dangerous driving requires proof of a marked departure from the standard of a reasonably prudent driver having regard to all the circumstances, including the accused’s reasonable perception of the facts.  Mere civil negligence, carelessness or errors in judgment that fall short of the above standard are insufficient to establish criminal liability.

The law with respect to the offence of dangerous driving recognizes that momentary acts of panic in reaction to an unexpected situation will often fall short of proving an offence of dangerous driving.

This doesn’t sound like unfair treatment, or an unreasonable thought process.  It doesn’t mean that Bryant’s defense is true, it means that the lawyers looked at the evidence they had available to them, and had to make a decision to the best of their ability.

I’m not saying I think Bryant is blameless.  But if I take his side of the story to be true, it doesn’t sound completely unreasonable that he was scared and seriously fucked up.

I think what really rubs people wrong in this case is that it is seemingly unresolved.  But not going to trial doesn’t mean that justice wasn’t carried out.

Sometimes the law disappoints.  That makes me sad.  But a law that gets applied differently to different people is a far more upsetting thought.

A Poor Excuse for an Experiment

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In the recent Toronto Star article “Testing TTC service as ‘guest from hell’”, Raveena Aulakh writes about her recent “experiment” at the One King West hotel, in an attempt to show Toronto that the recently appointed head of the TTC’s Customer Service Advisory Panel, Steve O’Brien, can’t save the embattled transit system.

Unfortunately, she chose to do this by posing as an “unreasonable, difficult and demanding” guest, and harassing hotel staff who have absolutely nothing to do with the public image crisis the Toronto Transit Commission is facing.

It was almost clever. By framing this charade as if it were about the TTC, instead of what it really was – a reporter having a little fun at the expense of the One King West employees — Aulakh might have convinced a few people that it was a reasonable attempt at collecting evidence.

Unfortunately, the flaws in logic are so great, and the subjects are so far away from anything that resembles her target, this article can’t be considered as anything less than shameful.

After spending the night at the Toronto hotel, and irritating the staff to no end with requests such as finding her sanitary napkins in the middle of the night and changing her room service request after her original order had already been prepared (and then changing it back again), Aulakh still wasn’t satisfied.

The staff apparently acted professionally and courteously throughout the ordeal, and yet Aulakh’s final conclusion was this: No one knocked “on the door to ask the guest who made 59 calls what was wrong. I know I would have lost my cool after three such calls. But I think I would have tried to talk to the queen of complaints. ”

Please. After hours spent trying to appease the unappeasable, the last thing anyone wants to do is spend anymore time talking.

This absurd reasoning is nothing more than reaching after she clearly failed to prove her point.

I’m going to take a guess here and say that Ms. Aulakh has never worked in customer service for any length of time. If she had, she would never have treated the unsuspecting staff to those kinds of antics simply for sport.

I’ve worked in customer service for 10 years. I generally deal with amazing customers in my job, but I’ve also had terrible ones that have completely ruined my day. Trying to broker some sort of détente with an irrational customer is not only infuriating, but also demoralizing.

But I do it because it is a part of my job, and I take pride in my job.

There are certain types of customers who can never be satisfied, and Ms. Aulakh’s alter-ego was one of them. So to suggest that the hotel staff didn’t do their jobs well enough after dealing with her ludicrous demands for 15 hours, simply because they didn’t want to chat with her at the end, is outrageous.

But as angry as I am with Raveena Aulakh for disrespecting the One Kind West staff, I am also frustrated that she did so to continue to drag the TTC through the mud.

The TTC is hardly a difficult target to hit these days. In the numerous public shamings in the media recently, people seem to have forgotten that Toronto Transit employees are people with feelings and lives. And after a long day of passengers breaking rules, withholding manners, and being generally disrespectful, I would imagine it can be a very difficult job.

That’s not to say that some employees don’t need serious attitude adjustments, but they do deserve to be treated like human beings – much like those employees of that hotel.

I know that good customer service on the TTC is sporadic, but absolutely terrible service is also rare. Occasionally it is exceptional, but most of it seems rather indifferent.

I’m sceptical that an advisory panel is going to be able to fix that. But setting traps isn’t going to do much to help either.

I wouldn’t want Mr. O’Brien to ask TTC employees to cater to irrational requests of disgruntled passengers. It would be a waste of tax dollars, and a waste of energy.

It is not a ticket taker or a streetcar driver’s job to deal with people like Ms. Aulakh’s character. It is their job to keep the system moving, treat customers with respect, and to be helpful. But that expectation is only fair if we, as customers, are respectful in return.

Aulakh was neither fair nor respectful. Any point she may have wished to make was lost in her mean-spirited and misguided agenda.

Well, Adam, that was easy.

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Adam Giambrone is dropping out of Toronto’s Mayoral race.  I admit it, I didn’t see that coming.

Since he first announced his campaign I was convinced that he didn’t  have a chance.  People in Toronto are just too angry with the TTC and they need someone to blame.  Not to mention, men his age, with very little to show in the way of leadership experience, rarely get to be the big dog.

Since the news broke on Monday that Giambrone was having an affair with a young girl, people have been going crazy on the internet defending or attacking him for his transgressions.  Some people suggest that politicians private lives shouldn’t affect their public lives — or at the least our perception of their ability to lead.

Here’s why I think they’re wrong.

People cheat.  I think it is gross, but I think that lives are complicated and that it is not really my business.

But anyone who works as hard to be a politician as Adam Giambrone knows that their lives are under the microscope.  They also know that when they run for a hotly contested position, like mayor of Canada’s largest city, anything bad they have done will come out.  It’s common sense.  And if you don’t think so, you need only to look at the recently smeared political lives of cads Elliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, or John Edwards.

So while the actual act of having sex with others while publically showing off a trophy partner isn’t, in itself, evidence of one’s inability to govern, it is evidence of one’s stupidity.

If you can’t understand that this is going to be a problem for you, you probably can’t understand other important issues.

The other issue, which hasn’t been confirmed by Giambrone, is that sex in your office at City Hall is a bad idea.  It shows an abuse of power, flaunting your stature, and is… well, just bad hygiene for the next guy who gets that couch.  It is also a good way to get caught.

I  just can’t respect a guy who a) humiliates his partner this way (and because of the afore-mentioned obviousness that this would be revealed, he knew it would), particularly when he flaunts her like a play thing in his dream political life and b)lies about the issue when asked.  If he had simply shut up for a few days until he figured out what to say, I could respect that.  But his actions were impulsive and poorly thought out.  Not a good sign of a leader.

I liked Giambrone’s politics.  As a fan of David Miller, I wanted someone who would build on those ideas.  I looked forward to the months ahead to see if he could convince me that he had the skills to get the job done.

When it comes down to it, I never thought Giambrone would win.  But to see how easily he fell… well, I’m less than sad about the situation.

Is an eBook a Kid’s Best Friend?

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This morning I listened to an old recording of CBC radio commentary segments my mother did when I was a child. She was a trained teacher, and an avid lover of books.

As part of a piece about child literacy and the importance of reading aloud to children, she read my favourite story, The Tiger Who Came To Tea, to me on the air.  As she read, my two and a half year old voice interrupted with the words I knew, and other sounds that don’t appear to have been words at all.  The joy in both of our voices is palpable.

My love of children’s books hasn’t faded since then.  So when I was browsing the Internet recently, I was excited to come across OneMoreStory.com.  It’s a clever site that offers an impressive audio collection of lesser known children’s stories.  Kids can view the original illustrations from the printed book, and follow along with the text as they hear the story spoken aloud.  The site boasts that “through a simple point and click process, children . . . can have the book read to them whenever they want.”

I listened to a whimsical and funny story called “The Rattletrap Car” about a family going to the beach in a rickety car.  Along the way, the car needs to be fixed with ridiculous objects like beach balls, fudge, and sailboats.  The images on the screen were exact replicas of those in the print copy.  The words turned red to indicate the word I was hearing, and the sounds of silence and the appearance of a green arrow signalled it was time to “turn the page.”  There was even musical accompaniment.

But I was disappointed.  While there was nothing wrong with the website itself, and the stories available were lovely, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt wrong.  Something was missing.

The voice that spoke the words to me sounded like someone’s mother.  She may even have been someone’s mother, but she wasn’t my mother.  She wasn’t anyone I’d ever met.  I sat staring at a computer screen, listening to the words, alone.

My fondest memory of my mother is sitting on her lap, reading a book.  Listening to her radio segment again brought tears to my eyes.  It was clear that reading stories with my mum was not only essential for fostering a love of words, imagination and story telling, but also bonding with my mother, who died eight months after it was recorded.

The publishing world has been up in arms in recent years about e-books.  The release of the Amazon Kindle in Canada has increased tensions.  Publishers and authors are terrified that the presence of e-books will ruin the reading experience, infringe on copyrights and bankrupt the original industry.  But whether adults give up physical books in lieu of fancier, digital versions hardly seems like the biggest issue at hand.  The publishing industry, in time, will adapt to the new technology.  What I am really worried about is whether or not children continue to experience books in the traditional way – or at all.

I don’t doubt that this website will help children learn to read.  If people want to use sites like this as a supplement to their regular reading schedule with their children, then I think that’s great.  What I am not OK with is letting technology take the place of parents in an activity as crucial to young children’s development as reading.

Most of the children I know have a vast amount of computer knowledge relative to their young ages and could easily access the books on this site on their own.  Since sitting at a computer is rarely a two-person activity, and getting children to simply read seems to be the main goal of most reading programs, it is easy to imagine children enjoying these online books alone.  But by leaving kids to be taught by a computer instead of a parent or caregiver, they are potentially missing out on a broader experience.

To quote my mum: “at the very least, story time provides an excuse for a cozy cuddle with your kid, and it’s a great opportunity for some guaranteed fun together.”

I want my future children to grow up reading.  I want them to remember not only the stories they loved, but also the experience of reading those books with someone that loved them.

Whois Lizz Bryce

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This weekend I bought my own domain name and became the proud owner of LizzBryce.com. The practical use has yet to be determined, but for $5 I figured I couldn’t go wrong.

As it turns out, the simple act of purchasing a domain name is the Internet equivalent of spray painting my personal information on the side of the CN tower.

I’ve wanted to own my domain name for some time now. I’ve always been interested in web design and I thought that this would be an opportunity to practice with little consequence. What I hadn’t counted on was the amount of information I was about to reveal to the general public. Unbeknownst to me, every domain name owner on the Internet is listed in a database called “Whois.

I was shocked when I discovered this. As a blogger, I had generally refrained from revealing too many personal details or pictures on my site. While I knew I would be giving up some of this anonymity by purchasing a domain with my full name, I comforted myself knowing that there is not much that can be done with a name – and besides, it already shows up on Facebook.

Even more surprising than the existence of this database was the fact that I wasn’t warned about it before I made my purchase. A full day after completing the transaction, I received an e-mail in my inbox sounding the alarms: “Your Personal Information is Not Protected!” read the subject line. My domain registrar was offering to mask my identity, at least on the public list. For only $11 a year I could avoid becoming one of 275,000 Americans who become “victims of Internet crime.”

I didn’t know what to do. The e-mail left me feeling vulnerable and confused. I had never heard of the database so I decided to do some investigating.

The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN), a non-profit organization formed to oversee Internet-related tasks that were once performed by the U.S. government, supervises the assignment of domain names and IP addresses. According to ICANN’s website, domain registrars are required to “collect and provide free public access to the . . . date the domain was created and when its registration expires, and the contact information for the Registered Name Holder, the technical contact, and the administrative contact.” For celebrities like Britney Spears or Brad Pitt, the database lists the law firm that handles their website. For business websites the name and address of the business is listed. In my case, my name, home address, phone number, and e-mail were out there for the world to see.

Of course there are many websites that reveal personal information. Canada411 lists home phone numbers and addresses, and allows people to perform “reverse lookups” by searching by name, phone number or address. Google Street View shows my apartment building, the coffee shop I see from my window and the bookstore across the street – not to mention the cars that were driving by at the time the pictures were taken. And I use these technologies often – sometimes for serious reasons, and sometimes just for fun. But I can’t help but ask have we gone too far?

All of these technologies have legitimate uses, and I believe were conceived with good intentions. Whois is meant to prevent people from using the Internet as a shield when promoting hateful, dangerous or illegal content. But while the rules governing the database state that persons may not use it for unlawful purposes, I am pretty sure that anyone seeking out information for unlawful reasons doesn’t care.

So whether it was to protect myself from criminals, or because I plan to become a criminal myself, I paid that $11 and I will sleep easier tonight. Will you?

Sweetening the Obesity Debate

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Everyone knows that too much television is not healthy for developing minds, but did you know that commercials are also making your kids fat?

A study released this week by Yale University’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity revealed the least nutritious breakfast cereals. Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Honey Nut Cheerios were among the worst offenders. These, and other children’s cereals, have 85% more sugar, 65% less fibre and 60% more sodium. Massive television, internet, and supermarket advertising campaigns, specifically aimed at children, associate these cereals with positive emotions, having fun (toy in the bottom of the box), being happy and apparently being cool. The result of this, the study concludes, is increased levels of childhood obesity.

Oh please! While the advertising budgets are shocking (a combined $229 million in 2006), the results are not. It is hardly news that cereals marketed with cartoon characters aren’t the best nutritional choice. Neither is the idea that marketing makes people of any age want things.

The obesity research asserts that “children have no cognitive abilities to defend against advertising messages; therefore, advertising to them is inherently unfair and potentially harmful given the nutritional quality of the products promoted.” This sounds like a very good argument against allowing marketing to children, but it doesn’t show me that there is any direct connection between polluting children’s minds with advertising and childhood obesity.

Children are bombarded with images of Barbies, laughing Elmo toys, and video games constantly. Not to mention the kid on the playground who brings a new toy to school and suddenly, all the other kids have to have it. I was recently watching TV with a friend’s five year old daughter when a toy commercial came on. She had little experience with commercials as her TV exposure was mostly limited to ad-free channels such as TVO or Treehouse.
“What is that?” she asked me.
“A doll,” I replied.
“I want it.”
It didn’t matter that she rarely plays with dolls or that it wasn’t even a particularly special one. She wanted it. I laughed at her reaction, but I was also shocked. I couldn’t believe how quickly the message was transformed from images to desire in her sponge-like, naïve mind.

She didn’t get the doll, though. Because what the researchers fail to address is in this study is the role of parents as decision makers. Children don’t have any direct buying power, only whining power. Parents ultimately get to decide what their children eat, what toys they play with and how much exercise they get, at least while children are young. Some parents will have tougher battles than others, and surely advertising will add to that battle. But the last time I checked, parents were still the boss.

Eating junk-food in place of a proper breakfast probably is a contributing factor in childhood obesity. In fact, the study found that children were likely to eat twice as much sugar cereal than healthier options, but they would eat better cereal if they were given the chance. With that knowledge, it is clear that advertising does not make children fat, choices make children fat. So until parents are willing to take responsibility for their children, trimming the ad budgets of Kellogg’s and Post isn’t likely to have much of an effect on kids’ health.

The Horror of Halloween Costumes

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I’ve always loved that Halloween is an opportunity to be someone you are not. So when I ventured out to the vintage clothing shops of Toronto’s Kensington Market to find a Halloween costume I didn’t have a specific one in mind, but I was excited by the opportunity to reinvent myself for just one night. But I quickly discovered that when it comes to women’s costumes, designers have opted for as little coverage as possible – and women are buying it.

After struggling to find anything inspiring in the first few stores, I made my way to Exile, a quirky shop that proudly displayed puffy skirts and skeletons in the front window, and where wigs and packaged costumes lined the inside walls. The woman who greeted us at the door was in full costume, a Little Red Riding Hood ensemble, which, judging from the fit, appeared to have been tailored for a child.

A quick scan of the store reminded me what modern Halloween is truly about: sex. From the section devoted to the “Naughty Nurse” and “Dirty Doctor” (note that the Dirty Doctor costume involves surgical scrubs while the nurse costume is a sleeveless mini dress), to Wonder Woman and French maids, there was nothing modest about these costumes.Since I was unwilling to wear a napkin with a zipper, I didn’t find a costume that day. So I turned to the internet.

The online costume store BuyCostumes.com has 61 pages of “sexy costumes” for women. The typical “sexy” costumes are all there: Burlesque Babe, Wonder Woman, Naughty Nurse and Vixen Pirate Wench. Other options include the more racially insensitive “Indian Princess” and “Eskimo Cutie,” and things I hadn’t realized were sexy like “Ms Krueger” (as in Freddy Krueger), “Racy Robin Hood” and the “Queen Bumblebee.”

When did this happen? When did outfits that once would have been sold exclusively at sex shops for private use become the standard for otherwise sensible women?

Somewhere along the way we seem to have gotten confused. Author and columnist Ariel Levy puts it likes this in her 2006 book Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture: “Only thirty years (my lifetime) ago, our mothers were “burning their bras” and picketing Playboy, and suddenly we were getting implants and wearing the bunny logo as supposed symbols of our liberation.”

Women are deriving power from the tease of these costumes and calling it equality. Wearing provocative Halloween costumes as a means of female empowerment is like watching porn for the dialogue.

It’s been called Sex and City feminism, or as The New York Times’ Judith Warner more accurately called it “girls-gone-wild feminism.” This is the world where girls grow up wanting to be characters on The Hills instead of Prime Minister, where appearing in a sex video replaces the need for talent, and where girls can do and be almost anything, but don’t have the desire. Mainstream media presents women as sexy and liberated but the female pop culture icons many young women aspire to be are just under dressed and superficial.

Part of me feels conflicted because Halloween really is the only time I could get away with wearing a mini-dress and stilettos without being labelled a slut. But inserting “sexy” in front of any profession, animal, or ethnic group isn’t providing new options, it’s just a single option wrapped in more attractive adjectives.

So mostly I just feel sad. Sad that many women wouldn’t even consider a clever, scary, or ugly costume, and sad that somehow this holiday has become the day that women exploit themselves without giving it a second thought.

Like Levy says, “It is worth asking ourselves if this bawdy world of boobs and gams we have resurrected reflects how far we’ve come, or how far we have left to go?”

UPDATE: 2010

This year you can be even sexier as a sexy clown fish, sexy big bird or a sexy tootsie roll! Because dressing like a regular tootsie roll is what your grandma would do. Gross.

Sexy Nemo Clown Fish Halloween Costume

Sometimes a Little Accuracy Would Be Helpful

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I hate the term sexual assault, but maybe not for the reason you’d think. It is not because the thought of it makes me cringe (though it does) and it is not because I think it is inherently a bad term for some circumstances. I hate the term “sexual assault” because it is an all-encompassing umbrella term.

Now let me say right away that I in complete favour of the criminal code considering all forms of unwanted sexual behaviour as assault. I am in favour of people in general thinking of all forms of unwanted behaviour as assault. I also understand the motivation to create a term that is intended to protect women (or children or people) based on a past of cruel and unjust laws. The trouble is, the intended impact of this all-encompassing term seems to have been lost – particularly in the media.

I recently read a story in the newspaper about a child being “sexually assaulted” in B.C. I immediately felt the knot in my stomach tighten and the strong urge to vomit. After the initial impact I thought I don’t know what that means. I knew the possibilities of what it meant, but I wasn’t sure. I hoped, of course, that it might have meant one of the less horrific possibilities – maybe this child could recover from this trauma with not too much life disturbance if he or she had the right help.

Another recent story reported that a man had “sexually assaulted” a woman on the subway near my house. Anytime something violent happens in my neighbourhood, or anywhere I realistically could have been, I feel nervous. So reading this story invoked some uncomfortable emotions. As I continued to read, I discovered that this event happened at 5:30p.m. Hmm I thought to myself. 5:30? That’s rush hour. I take the train at rush hour and the train is packed full of people. How could someone have been sexually assaulted on a crowded subway train at rush hour? Then I stopped. I realized that my immediate understanding of the term as the worst case scenario was actually not what had occurred in this case. That is not to suggest that whatever happened (and of course I will never know) was not unpleasant, or even traumatic for the woman it happened to. But without meaning to undermine her experiences, whatever happened to her was not of the same calibre as rape and rape couldn’t possibly have been what happened on that train.

The truth is that most of the time I take the ambiguity in the media and hope that it means the lesser evil occurred because it makes me less afraid of the world. I wish terrible things didn’t happen to people and I can’t even begin to imagine how people cope with severe trauma. But while I never want to hear the gory details of the story, the ambiguity can be even more disconcerting because it allows for panic. Also, if other people think like I do (and I assume at least a few of them must), then they begin to think that either the world is horribly dangerous, or the media is creating a panic by basically misrepresenting facts through ambiguity.

If the point of reporting these events in the first place is to keep the public informed (and possibly safer because they have the knowledge) then using an umbrella term doesn’t accomplish the goal. Without the facts, I can’t actually make any sort of informed assessment of my, or others’, safety in the world.

And just to lighten the tension a little:


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