Dear Mother Nature, what the fuck?!

It is January. The ground is covered in snow and ice. The wind chill makes it -24. And I have an ant infestation. Really, mother nature? Really? How the hell did I get ants? Did they fly in from Winnipeg to warm up?

I hate bugs. I don’t deal with bugs well. Spiders and centipedes make me cry. Not “Yikes! A Spider”, they make me bawl. I refuse to go to Australia and Brazil because there are spiders, and I vacuum up every web I see to make sure nobody gets too comfy. (don’t tell me the spiders would eat the ants because I will punch you in the head). So, now, in the middle of winter, I get ants? WTF?!

I woke up to a kitchen full of ants. “Good morning to you tall, angry looking girl” (that is an ant talking) “We’re here to ruin your day”. I tried squishing them, but they don’t squish very well. I tried drowning them, but it is hard to keep them contained to get them the toilet. So I put on my shoes and I stomped them. Yes, I had an ant massacre before 8am. You’d think that would help, but one stompin is never enough.

I bought some ant traps today at Home Depot. I stood outside in the frigid weather (on the only day I forget my scarf) for half an hour waiting for a bus so I could eradicate the bastards. When I finally got them home, I was greeted by a swarm of nasty little moving, black crumbs as they attacked a pine nut on the floor. So I promptly opened up the box of Wilson Ant Out and pull out a string of plastic traps only to find that I don’t have a clue what to do with them. They’re not like the normal kind that you poke a hole in (would it have killed me to buy the normal ones?!), they’re funny plastic ones. The instructions on the back of the box are as follows:

  1. Remove bait traps from plastic frames.

    Now it would seem that I should be able to handle this, but from the very first step I am stuck. I pull off the top ring… but nothing new is exposed, and there is not a diagram in sight. Now what. Hmm, maybe if I continue to read the instructions?

  2. Remove all sources of food such as crumbs, sugar and grease spots.

    Really? That’s all you’ve got for me? If I had been secretly planning on hosting an family restaurant for ants would I need this poison? Go fuck yourself, Wilson.

  3. Place under sinks, refrigerator, cupboard.

    Not only do I not have ants in any of those places, but your punctuation and sentence structure sucks, Mr. Box!

  4. Place by ant trails where ants are numerous.

    10 points for obviousness – while still not giving me a fucking diagram.

So my next thought was to consult the website – after all, it would be wasteful to put diagrams in every box. So off I go….. (imagine me searching frantically). I’d love to tell you that, like any well respected Canadian company, there was a bounty of knowledge on their site to help apparent morons like me, but that would be a damn lie. There was nothing. Not a god damn thing!

Come on Wilson, I need help. I’m new to living in an apartment that gets invaded in the winter. Throw me a bone, would ya?

Sigh. Maybe I’ll just put my shoes back on and continue stompin‘.


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